bygones, “Spiritual Bankruptcy” (EP)

According to my Texas Instruments peck-a-sum, the bygones required but nine minutes to melt my bones, so I figger I gots about just that long to convince you, dear reader, to download the doozular Spiritual Bankruptcy EP — pronounced “EEEEEEEEEEP!” — and cerebellum it tout suite (note: do not look up how to spell “tout suite” — time’s a wastin’!)

Yup, it appears that Zach Hill (drooms) and Nick Reinhart (guit-squizza) have returned with a high-velocity porterhouse rife with enough hooks to hang a screaming weasel from. The vocals race the beat, the beat races breath, breath races death, and everybody crosses the finish line in a satisfied heap.

“Dirt Weed” smokes with the kind of buzzo grunt you usually hear when you wake up in a blood-spattered pool hall shoulder-deep in somebody’s sick with a lead pipe in your left fist — y’ain’t even left-handed! — and a mysterious, exclamation-point-shaped welt a few inches above your soul. Despite being enveloped by a breakneck everything, Nick manages to tickle one of them long-thought-dead guitar solos in the final flail of “Fail” — somewhere Ace Frehley spoinks his space-age Huggies and knows not why. Riffs and beatdowns self-immolate on “When a Vegan Eats a Vegan,” stopping only to brush follicles from orbs before summoning the tumult once more. You’d think at four minutes and five seconds that “Brutal Honesty” might quietly reflect on its own awesomeness amid a field of wild posies, but you’d be off your nut as usual (just shut the hell up). This is what hooligans aerobicize to on a pit bull’s rib cage. Voices bark “GIVE IT TO ME! BRUTAL HONESTY!” and wallets disappear in the resulting mudslide.

Ho, I see the end is near — and not a moment too soon! — but I had to shave a few minutes loose ’cause my pen bailed on that last paragraph and went sailing into the dust-bunnied abyss of my northwest corner. I located it mere seconds ago cowering behind a vinyl copy of the Blind Date soundtrack. Fuckin’ pussy. Ink stinks; bygones stain the brain. Another Sargent House (ten-hut) triumph.

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