“Monday Night Raw” Post-Mortem

Monday Night Raw
Monday, July 13
Orlando, FL

“TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!” phlegms Lemmy Kilmister as Motorhead lurch through another royalty check in the thud ‘n’ gloom-chowder of Triple H’s entrance music. But it ain’t game time just yet; Hunter Hearst Helmsley’s got something to get off his Greenwich-educated chest. “Wow!” he exclaims as all of Orlando dribbles a red carpet for his grizzled majesty.

If they thought the sight of a wrestler at a wrestling event was exciting, he had even bigger news: Hold onto those Disney World wifebeaters, ’cause tonight’s guest host, unlike emcees of previous weeks, is an actual Hollywood celebrity: the star of Woody Allen’s Radio Days, Seth Green! “I am thrilled beyond imagination,” hiccoughs the carrot-topped delight, hawking the impending return of his stop-mo cathode brainchild, Robot Chicken, which stars in its season premiere, of all people, Triple H himself! Orlando and all of us in TV Heaven are treated to a sneak peek of an uproarious sequence featuring the grappler’s clay doppelganger locking adobe with child star Dakota Fanning.

But it’s about to get funnier when Green disparages world heavyweight champion Randy Orton as a “whiny little girl,” which doesn’t sit well with the stewing belt slinger, who fumes ringward to confront his tormentors. He scoffs contemptuously at this tiny Tinseltown interloper and accuses him of cowardice. Thus goaded, Seth, in addition to masterminding a 6-Diva Summer Swimsuit Spectacular, books a clash of wills between Orton and his thugs of choice (the Legacy duo of Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase XVII) and his own team of Triple H and John Cena. It’s a three-way gimmick for the ages. Don’t do it, Seth!

6-Diva Summer Swimsuit Spectacular
Kelly Kelly/Gail Kim/Mickie James vs. Rosa Mendes/Alicia Fox/Maryse
We’re off to a cocoa-buttered start with the tight-fitting pinkness hugging the blessed curves of one Kelly Kelly. Luckily, the girls travel with their best expensive frillies for just such a brainstorm — the machinations of an impulsive horndog guest host. Gail Kim and Rosa Mendes are especially incensed at each other for wearing the same color (retinae-deadening white). All the shapely hues of velour and fringe cascade and collide until only the vinyl-coiled person of Maryse remains with her sworn arch-nemesis, Mickie James. Despite her evasions over the past few weeks, Maryse ably tosses her foe about the canvas until finally tucking her in.

Winner: Rosa Mendes/Alicia Fox/Maryse

Backstage, Seth recovers from his confrontation with Orton by contending with the demands of Unified Tag Team co-champion Chris Jericho, who is currently adrift as his partner Edge recuperates from a real-life ruptured Achilles tendon — and prefers it that way! Jericho regards Green with bourgeois disgust over his curled lip but allows the actor/comedian to plug his Robot Chicken DVD and bus tour. After all, everyone’s a showman here. Bills paid, Jericho bats him with a few more condescending nouns: drone, parasite. Green orders him to skedaddle before reaching rapscallion or pustule. Immune to the guest host’s omniscience, Y2J sticks around.

Primo vs. The Miz
America’s celebrated its independence all this month, but Primo’s got no reason to hail his separation from brother/partner Carlito, who got sick of losing and nulled the union physically last week. Primo demands an explanation, satisfaction, but none is forthcoming. He’s first beseiged by the preening Miz, then Carlito finally saunters toward the ring as strategic distraction. It works. The Miz takes advantage and plants Primo like a petunia. Miz takes his smug leave, then Carlito leaps in to spit apple shards into his fallen brother’s face.

Winner: The Miz

From Apple Jacks to Lucky Charms — the leprechaun pixie Hornswoggle is understandably nervous about his match with Chavo Guerrero, but Seth assures the vibra-mite that his taller opponent won’t have any distinct advantage, since he’ll have an arm lashed behind his back. The ecstatic Hornswoggle heel-clicks back to his rainbow as that giant hamhock Big Show trundles into frame with his best Dr. Evil.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger
Last week MVP humiliated the all-American Swagger on the former’s VIP Lounge segment, and the latter’s down for revenge. Swagger, of course, is a twist on the unimpeachable Jack Armstrong, a cultural figure no wrestling fan under 86 remembers: a Wheaties-shitting representative of the master race, updated here with a fistful of mousse. MVP goes street as punctuation, responding to flurry of legit wrestling manuevers with an old-fashioned bitchslap. Swagger loses his composure and folds the straight-baller into a power bomb for the win.

Winner: Jack Swagger

“BREAK THE WALL!” demands Chris Jericho’s welcome-mat strut, but tonight he’s gonna wish he had an entire bricklayers union at his disposal. He enters the ring dressed for business, not for business, informing the unscrubbed dolts spitting raspberries all over his tailored suit that he’s in the market for a new partner now that his old one’s proven unsuited to the rigors of hanging with Y2J. His soft-sell is interrupted by Mark Henry, the World’s Strongest Man, who makes sure his arrogant quarry is locked safely in his embrace before confessing, “I didn’t come out here to be your partner.” He then peels man from suit into a facsimile of ring-appropriate attire, inspiring Seth to declare it an official, sanctioned match. (Oh, shoot: Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry!). J doesn’t stick around to see how it ends, although the various takeoffs and landings he endures before escaping offer valuable insight.

Winner: Mark Henry (by countout)

Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Poor Chavo — he’s replaced Santino as WWE’s resident hapless heel. Not only is he forced to stagger (not swagger) one-armed around a ring, his suplex attempt is somehow reversed by a man with gumdrops for legs.

Winner: Hornswoggle

Off in the locker room, Randy Orton congratulates henchman Ted DiBiase for thwarting Ted DiBiase Sr.’s attempt to dissolve the Legacy gang with a stinging rebuke across the paterfamilias kisser. Cody Rhodes drops by with some scuttlebutt about next week’s guest host, reportedly his father, Dusty Rhodes. Orton talks strategy for the main event. “Whatever you do,” he warns, “don’t touch Seth Green,” adding ominously, “I’m gonna take him out personally.”

Evan Bourne vs. The Big Show
U.S. Champion Kofi Kingston gossips ringside as the Big Show swats at an airborne gnat for ten minutes. “Stay out of the way” is the thrust of Kingston’s advice, which isn’t very effective considering the size of both the ring and the caged beast within. Evan’s like a stray cat trapped in an alley as a skyscraper closes in. He attempts a desperate missile kick from the top rope but succeeds only in chiseling a dimple into the Big Show’s chin. Riled, the giant bends him into a Colossal Clutch. Evan manages one last scream before he’s separated from his torso.

Winner: The Big Show (submission)

Hey, it’s Santino! He bravely clashes with the Iron Sheik, mercilessly dispatching the legend and winning the affections of Trish Stratus. The only problem is she’s plastic, and so is he. It’s just action-figure make-believe, Santino’s audition for Robot Chicken. Seth Green seems unimpressed — until his partners amble in to prepare him for the grand finale. John Cena and Triple H bicker over who gets to protect his scrawny hide (hell, even Kevin Connolly kicked his ass on Entourage!) before they both concede he’s dead meat anyway, making it a moot point. Which means he’ll be perfect for next week’s Raw barbecue hosted by Dusty Hill (not Rhodes) and Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top! Turnbuckle fuzz!

Cody Rhodes/TedDiBiase/Randy Orton vs. Seth Green/Triple H/John Cena
Seth’s got legs and he knows how to use them, but he keeps them on lockdown for much of the match. He may have entered cockily to Guns N’ Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle,” but Ma Green raised no fools. He isn’t tagged until Cody Rhodes has been pickled comatose and restrained by Cena. Seth raps the dizzy Rhodes in the jaw and gets chased in circles for his troubles. Cena’s tagged back in and immediately thrashed into groggy comeback mode, requiring a Triple H cooldown to stave the orgasm. Pandemonium ensues with fists brushing every corner of the flatscreen until only Orton and Triple H remain in the ring. The Legend Killer games the Game into an RKO, but Seth stops the three-count with a textbook cheap drop, turning Orton’s snake eyes salsa with rage. He attempts to punt Seth back to his Can’t Hardly Wait salary, but is thwarted by Cena, who in turn is pounded again into manburger. In an eyeblink the ring turns into a furniture store manned by some rather aggressive salesmen until Triple H clears everyone out with an implement he swiped from the toolshed. He swings with gusto like he’s laying a railroad through the arena, even tapping Cena in the breadbasket for good measure. But before the two can dissolve into blows, Seth emerges, the perfect Hollywood ending. Fade, cut, print.

Winners: Seth Green/Triple H/John Cena


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