1. Would you say the mainstream media has not been not sort of mostly unfair to the party opposite the party not currently not entirely but perhaps inarguably in power?
2. Has the liberal press manipulated you from birth and forced perspectives upon you that made you so uncomfortable you’ve contemplated or even successfully committed suicide?
3. Between 1 and 63, how many of your relatives has Anderson Cooper killed?
4. Name three women in your immediate family “turned” by Rachel Maddow.
5. Please give us their phone numbers.
6. Would kissing a Slovenian giantess freak them out?
7. Are they easily distracted by strangely human grunts coming from a broom closet?
8. I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
9. On a scale of 1 to 10, would you classify the mainstream media as incompetent, unreliable and irresponsible?
10. How would you prefer to receive updates on issues of concern: my Twitter account, my personal Facebook account, or shoved up your ass?
11. Is the White House’s proposed travel ban perfect or a collective work of genius?
12. Were you aware of a poll released just yesterday that completely contradicts the one we didn’t like?
19. Whatever happened to “journalistic integrity,” huh?
13. Is fact-checking a thing of the past or were we naïve to believe it ever existed?
14. Did you see “Spotlight”?
15. Did it deserve that Best Movie Oscar or should its producers have been deported?
16. Do you think all reporters are as ugly and badly groomed as Mark Ruffalo?
17. Doesn’t he seem like someone who fancies himself a tough guy because he’s also the Incredible Hulk but doesn’t realize those are movies, not real life?
18. If the president ever fought him in a bare-knuckle brawl, how many minutes would pass before Mark Ruffalo became a subservient peon? Should the leader of the free world then in unquestioned triumph drink his blood while they both screamed like lady-boys, one in terror, the other in near-primal ecstasy?
19. According to the most recent data, Rachel McAdams is totally not sexy in that movie. What’s with the shapeless slacks and baggy tops?
20. Speaking of “Saturday Night Live,” please list the show’s worst 42-season stretches.
21. Given the choice, would you prefer Alec Baldwin go fuck himself or one or all of his worthless brothers, except for Stephen, and then himself and maybe Stephen, who I just stopped liking?
22. If you trust network and cable news, how long were you in a coma after getting hit by that train?
23. How often would you say you’ve shouted “Fake news!” at the television and awakened the dog, the only other creature in your apartment that loves you, unless you also count larvae and herpes?
24. When you and your buddies shout, “Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!” before stomping some Killary-loving apologist in a swagger-bar parking lot, do you ever catch a glimpse of Chuck’s buttocks in his moonlit corduroys and imagine how they’d feel between your anxious fingers while grinding to “Tennessee Whiskey” and whispering, “Oh, my God, this is so crazy; I just wanted a hunting partner” into each other’s necks?
25. How dead would you be by your lunch break if you participated in a drinking game requiring you to take a shot every time you argued with strangers online by telling them to educate themselves, do their own research or learn the facts?
26. In descending order, which news source do you trust the least: CNN, Fox, MSNBC, CNN, MSNBC, Associated Press, Reuters, The New York Times, the Washington Post, the Guardian, CNN, BBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, AP, Reuters, or CNN?
26. Would you agree there are 22 questions in this survey?
27. Do YOU trust Trump?
24. What would you do to prove it?
28. Is your husband home?
29. Have you ever been on a private plane? It’s something else. All the amenities of home as you impulsively fly around the world.
30. How big is your husband’s private jet?
31. Does he treat you right?
32. Does he truly know you after all these years?
33. Isn’t it possible that he takes you for granted?
34. Could he buy you this?
35. Please, try it on.
36. What possesses you to think there’s a camera in the room?
37. Don’t you realize how pretty you are in this light?
38. Can you put this in your mouth?
37. Would you like the president inside of you?
22. What survey?