We get you, fam: You think us journos a murder of stodgers, all humpbacked harrumph, Trump beef, and shaking our ink-paws at your everyman superiority.
But you’re wrong. So wrong. So very, very wrong. We’re lounged supine on the divan, as always, phosphates ‘twixt our tactiles, pondering this digital paradigm.
We ain’t mad, though, brah. Nah. This challenge just inspires us to throw you MAD posts, and some are mad as mad, son, like “Domestic Beers to Enjoy While Driving with Cats in Heat” or “50 Over-Buttered and Under-Cooked Discount Microwave Pasta Dishes to Speed-Eat in One Sitting.”
To render ourselves unique from other news agencies, we’ve adopted their strategies wholesale. An active feed for perpetual need. So, every now and then, between local features on bunny-groomer yoga and teen inventors of Lululemon shovel guards, you may encounter peculiar swerves profiling Charlize Theron’s quest for lasting love or “Is He Faithful? Find Out with Your Medications and His Power Tools!”
Many of these items surface automatically, birthed from weird algorithms and cans of off-brand slush. Some are head-slappers, others are fuel. Some require scalding “Silkwood” showers to neutralize the mental aftereffects. Overall, they straddle that fragile equator between news and gobble-fodder. Such is the information age at present, a runneth-over cauldron of pulp-laden soup, with maybe a small side salad. A spoonful not only makes the medicine go down, it also, alas, keeps the lights on.
Anyway, we thought we’d try a few of these babies ourselves. Yes, after 154 august years of stolid coverage, we’ve laced up our Lil Xans (EDITOR’S NOTE: Hyperlink Sarah’s “20 Mumble Rappers Who Could Have Been from Here” here), rolled down our Lil Tays, and Billie Eilished a slate of cash-you-oussides.
Over the next few weeks, we’ll be debuting online-exclusive (’cause they’re hard to upload to print) makeup tutorials, truck rants, and cooking-segment advertorials, which mostly involve punching the breakroom vending machines. We think you’ll find them super-bae.
And fret nein, readers, o lovers o’ words, we’ve not forgotten you. Our staff toils 24/5 on engaging PREMIUM CONTENT with vaguely related stock photography. You may have already seen “7 Hottest Countywide Dad Bods” or “17 Chill Breeds You Can Walk Past That Pomeranian Downtown and No One’ll Bark Their Brains Out.” Once we’ve finalized the Google Maps sequencing, we think you’ll click the paint off “Every Mid-Valley Intersection Rated from Best to Worst” or learn from the informative “All Those Dudes at OSU Named Paul Who Play Frisbee Golf Shirtless, Meet Every Moment with Loathsomely Counterfeit Newborn Awe, and Stream Bob Marley Playlists While Macking on Your Lady.”
Plus, we figure if KFC can make hay from its founder, a long-dead octogenarian in a cream-colored suit, it’s about time we revived our first publisher, Alastair Nunyabeis (1854-1919), for his new series, “Swole or Woke?”
You can also take part in our monthly friendly throw-downs, starting with our photography contest for May, “My Favorite of the 52,000 Boxcars That Roll Across Main at Lunchtime.” Winners receive one free curse word for use in pointless arguments on our company Facebook page.
So smash that “like” button and hit “Subscribe.” Surrender your thumbs and hearts. Let’s scroll to the ends of our digital earth. We’ll pan for gems in the news-sluice together.